The Final Balance
by lvrofreading
Summary: The new Rebellion is steadily growing after the battle of Crait and The First Order continues to expand their influence across the galaxy. But tension and strife between their young leaders is causing the Order to fracture. Kylo Ren struggles with the light and the dark battling within him as he attempts to reclaim the bond with the scavenger he has come to care for, set after TLJ
1. Chapter 1

**The Final Balance**

 **Chapter 1**

 _Debris was falling around her. Everything was on fire and the resulting smoke burned her eyes. She tried to move, but her limbs felt heavier than a star cruiser; blood was seeping through her tunic and down her side._

" _Rey." A familiar, pleading voice called out to her and she turned in time to see the wounded man collapse in front of her, having taken the fatal blow that saved her from an assured death. Rey rushed to his side as quickly as she could with her injuries. Her lungs burned as if on fire with every breath, both from the ashy air and from the silent sobs racking her body. She dropped to her knees and pulled the large man onto her lap. Rey reached down with raw fingers and tenderly brushed the bangs out of his open but cloudy eyes._

" _Ben," she whispered, hoarsely. "Ben, please, look at me."_

 _His eyes blinked slowly before clearing and focusing on her tear-streaked face. She was startled when one of his weakened, trembling hands gently touched her face, wiping away at the streams steadily flowing down her cheeks._

" _I'm sorry, Rey," he wheezed out, his words barely audible above the chaotic destruction around them. His own eyes had moisture pooling within them. "I'm so sorry."_

 _His dark eyes never left hers as he took his last breath._

" _Ben?" She choked out; the sudden sense of emptiness nearly overpowering her. "Ben!"_

 _There was no response, but she knew there wouldn't be. Irrationality fueled her actions as she began to shake the dead man in her arms._

" _No, you can't do this to me!" Ray states, frantically. She gently lays him down on the cold, metal floor before clutching at his smoke-stained face with both hands. "You can't leave me now!"_

 _His body remained lifeless in her arms._

" _Ben!" Her tears and scream mingle together and bounce off the crumbling walls, where no one was left to listen to her agony._

"BEN!"

Rey startled herself awake, jolting into an upright position. Sweat coated her brow and her eyes felt as if they had been rubbed raw. She could still taste the ash on her tongue. Rey looked around at her surroundings and was relieved to find that nothing was on the Millennium Falcon was on fire and she was safe in her cot. One of the dozen of stowaway porgs chirped at her feet, managing an empathetic look of concern.

"I'm fine," she assured the wide-eyed creature. "It was just a dream."

The creature tilted its head, eerily evaluating her before seemingly deciding that she was okay. It chirped once more before hopping off of her cot. Rey watched it leave, bemused and pushed the sheets off her legs. She checked her chrono and was startled by the early hour that reflected back at her. Everyone else would still be asleep for hours. She considered laying back down but there was no way she would be able to sleep with the nightmare so fresh on her mind.

 _Where had that dream even come from?_

Rey leaned forward and dropped her head into her waiting hands. Three months had passed since the Battle of Crait and Ben's rejection to returning to the light. It had taken every bit of willpower she possessed to act as she everything was okay. The only teacher left to train her was dead, the Resistance, now the new Rebellion, had been almost decimated, and the man she had come to...care for utterly betrayed her and went as far to use her as a distraction against Snoke in his quest for power. Her hopes had been laid shattered at her feet as Ben Solo attempted to turn her to the dark side. Rey had not been able to admit to anyone just how tempted she had been by his words and pleading, tearful eyes. Her connection to him was something she just could not put into words. It encompassed her entire being, remaining just at the edge of her senses and awareness. Rey thought that with Snoke dead, their bond would have dissipated, but that was far from the truth. She could still feel him, even now, burrowed deep within her being and she did not know what to do about it.

The air grew heavy around her and the tranquil sounds around her fell farther to the background. Rey closed her eyes, taking in the the swirl of emotions and energy that came with _their_ moments of connection. She did not have to look at him to know that he was there.

"Go away!" She hissed, the still raw feeling of betrayal coloring her tone. Rey leapt off of her cot and stormed, barefoot but blessedly clothed, down the corridor. She refused to meet his gaze but she could feel the bemusement radiating off of him in droves. They were extensively connected through the force; changing rooms would not get rid of him and they both knew it. Still, it made her feel better for the moment.

"You've been avoiding me." His husky voice sent a violent shiver through her entire being but Rey refused to let it show just how much his presence affected her. She did her best to ignore it, and him. But he settled firmly in their bond and she knew he would not leave her be until she spoke with him. Since their destructive and devastating battle aboard Snoke's ship, she had done her best to block him and his attempts at contact. There had not been many, but the few he made were painful in their intensity and sincerity. Rey rebuffed every one of them, using whatever strength she could muster, but somehow he had managed to sneak past her defenses this time.

The worst part was the acute sense of relief at having his presence once again connected to hers. Her body, her mind, her very soul craved this bond and the rush of pleasant emotions that filled her.

Their bond was her high, and he was her drug.

But Rey knew that she shouldn't continue on with this torture. Ben, no, Kylo Ren, had made his choice and she could not be a part of that.

"Yes," Rey finally responded, though still refused to look at him. She worried what effect his piercing, dark gaze would have on her.

"Are you angry with me?" He sounded pained, but Rey found it hard to believe that could be true.

She mustered the courage to turn and face him, a snide comment spitting from her lips. "Was that not obvious, Supreme Leader?"

The use of his new title had the desired effect and he narrowed his eyes in irritation. His dark curls bounced as he shook his head. "You think you're the only one who has a right to be angry?"

"Yes!" She snapped, allowing her kindling fury to fuel her strength. "I put my life at risk to help you...to save you. And as soon as you got what you wanted, you turned your back on me!"

Kylo's stare softened considerably and his voice took on the edge of something more than just hurt. "I begged you to join me."

Rey scoffed, appalled at his statement. "You know damn well I couldn't do that! I will not turn my back on these people. They care about me." The last comment was meant as a jab to infuriate him but his eyes held only sadness.

"So do I." His surprising statement was quiet but earnest.

The tears sprung hot from her eyes at the sudden torment filling her.

"No," She shook her head, as if to shake away his words. "No, you don't get to say that to me! You turned to the dark side first. I offered you a way back, and you refused! Your need for power is clearly more important than anything else."

Kylo stepped closer, trying to close the light years of distance between them. "You don't understand-"

"I don't understand?" She cut him off irritably, sarcasm heavily coating her words. "I don't understand what it's like to be lonely, to be unwanted, uncared for!" She heaved in her breath, pausing between cuts. "No, I guess I don't understand."

She collapsed onto the bench at the Dejarik table, shoulders slumping from the weight of it all.

"Rey..." He whispered, pouring comfort into their connection. She violently pushed it away, refusing his unspoken offer. She would not be fooled by him again.

"Why are you here?" She asked, misery laced on her tongue. "To torment me?"

Kylo looked at her, confused. "You called out to me. You opened our connection."

Rey gave him a withering stare, unbelieving, before it occurred to her that in her distress from the dream she might have subconsciously reached out to the source of her grief.

"I can assure you, it wasn't on purpose."

"You had a nightmare," He stated simply, knowingly.

"That is none of your damn business!"

"I could help you," he sounded so infuriatingly sincere that she found herself leaping to her feet, arms gesticulating wildly.

"Help me?!" She screamed, having lost all pretense of indifference. "You can't help me!"

He started to interject but she cut him off before he could utter a sound. "Don't you get it? We are enemies. It's you against me."

He sighed deeply, his eyes falling closed. "We don't have to be."

"I will never turn to the dark side, Ren!" Rey shouted, enjoying the flinch at the use of his Sith name. "Just leave me alone." Her last words a painful command.

He reopened his eyes and she felt an ache form at the sight of his watery gaze. He pursed his full lips and nodded slowly. Rey thought she was prepared for his departure but she was knocked off balance by his words.

"I'm sorry, Rey."

His disconnection left her fuming but also feeling enormously empty. More so than she had felt at the abandonment by her parents more than a decade prior. She lowered herself back onto the bench, entirely at loss on how to remove herself from him.

Or if she even wanted to.

A thousand lightyears away, Kylo Ren disconnected from the one person who had ever understood him. A myriad of emotions battled within him. In the past he used physical acts of aggression to settle his discomfort but for the life of him, he could not find it in himself to even be angry. Pure and unadulterated sorrow occupied his every thought, his every breath. It weighed him down, and left him without the will to do anything more than collapse to the floor against his bed, and howl his cries to the ceiling.


	2. Chapter 2

**The Final Balance**

 **Chapter 2**

 **Thanks to everyone who has taken an interest in this story! Sorry the first few chapters are a little short but they will be getting longer over the next few posts.**

 _The flames leapt in front up in front of him, preventing him from reaching his target. Seeing that time was running out, Kylo wrapped his cloak tightly about his body and burst through the fiery debris. The heat licked at his skin as its smoke left him marked. His eyes stung as he searched frantically for his quarry. Kylo finally spotted a familiar body lying motionless on the durasteel floor._

" _Rey!" He screamed for her as he ran, coughing heavily on the fumes, He skidded across the floor and landed soundly on his knees._

" _No, no,no," he repeated over and over as he gently rolled her onto her back. "Rey, you have to wake up."_

 _A large gash on her forehead was desperately leaking blood and a darkening bruise was forming on her right cheek. But it was the gushing wound to her side that had him concerned. He checked the pulse in her wrist to find it erratic and frightening._

" _Rey, sweetheart, please wake up," Kylo begged as he slipped his arms underneath her body, pulling her onto his lap. He cradled her closely to his chest and freed a hand so he could put pressure on her head wound. His hand on her skin startled her into a bleary consciousness._

" _Ben?"_

" _I'm here, sweetheart," he assured her, doing his best to sound more confident than he felt. "I need to get you out of here."_

 _Rey lifted a trembling hand to rest on the very scar she had placed on his cheek._

" _Ben, it's too late for me," she coughed and her body shuddered from the effort. Ben shook his head, his eyes stinging from more than the smoke._

" _Don't say that! I can get us to a shuttle..." He trailed off when her fingers reached his lips._

" _It's time for me to go," Rey gave him a watery smile._

" _No!" He half shouted, half sobbed. "I won't let you die for me!"_

" _I had to save you."_

 _He lowered his forehead to hers, needing to pull her as close as he could manage._

" _I'm not worth saving," he whispered, fully believing it._

" _You are to me," she murmured weakly. He felt her fingers slip from his skin as the life faded from her body._

"No!" Kylo shouted out into the emptiness of his cold chambers. He panted heavily and sat up, looking around for the woman who had died in his arms. Upon realizing it had just been a dream, he pushed the sweaty bangs out of his eyes and he attempted deep, calming breaths. He glanced down at his still trembling hands. He could still _feel_ the weight of her dying body in his grasp.

She had died. To save him.

Kylo tore out of bed, his entire being now shaking near violently. He paced the floor of his chambers, tearing at his hair, his breathing became labored. He was a force user, he knew that had been no ordinary nightmare, but a frightening vision of the future.

"I will not let this come to pass!" He growled out, surprising himself at the ferocity of his tone. But as soon as he said, he knew it to be true. The young, naive, and oh-so-lovely scavenger had wormed her way into his veins. Nearly every thought that came to his mind since battling her at Starkiller base had been consumed by her. The bond developed between had only amplified this strange...attraction he felt for her. In her, he found a soul, like his own, lonely and craving companionship. She understood him, like no one had ever done before; not his parents, not his uncle. When she looked at him, he wasn't just a monster. He was Ben.

Kylo had forgotten how good that felt. Good. She was good. She was light, drawing him in, filling him with her warmth. Even the memory of her brought out these _feelings_ he thought long buried. But for all the light creeping into his awareness there was the all encompassing darkness ready to meet it. Snoke had not been wrong, Kylo felt his soul split in two. HIs father's death at Kylo's hand had been a furious wound upon his heart. The light left its scars both inside and out.

He paused his pacing in front of the mirror in his refresher. Kylo brought a trembling hand to his scar, much like Rey had in his dream. He closed his eyes, remembering one of the first conversations they had after discovering their force bond.

" _You called me a monster."_

" _You are a monster."_

" _Yes. I am."_

He opened his eyes to stare at the person looking back at him. His mother's eyes in the face of a monster gazed back at him. He pummeled his fist through the mirror, fracturing the glass in the same manner as his spirit. The pain surging through his fingers was grounding, a reminder of his strength, of the anger that fueled him. He watched as the blood gathered on his skin and he reveled in it.

The air stilled behind him, a sure-tell sign of the audience that joined him. He turned around, expecting to meet her hate filled gaze. Their last meeting had been far from pleasant. She had awoken from a nightmare, calling out his name, and without realizing it, called out to him through the force. His hopes had soared with the possibility of her opening back up to him after three months of near silence on her end. But it had been an accident, one she made clear she did not intend on letting happen again. Rey was still furious with him for not joining her, for not choosing the light again. She felt betrayed, believing that he had used her to distract Snoke, and she was not willing to accept that he felt the same betrayal. He had pleaded with her to stay by his side and rule together. But she just rejected him and ran away. Kylo had been willing to give their bond another chance to grow but Rey demanded that he leave, unwilling to speak with to any further.

So he was indeed surprised to find not an angry, glaring Rey, but an apparently sleeping one.

She was curled up on her side facing him, in what he expected was one of the sleeping cots on the Falcon. It was where he had found her two days prior. He stayed still for a long moment, waiting for her harsh dismissal but it never came. Cautiously he took a few steps closer. He knew how angry she would be if she caught him watching her in her sleep. But the opportunity to observe her unnoticed was too good to pass up. Kylo took a few more steps till he was within a few feet of her sleeping form. He knelt down so he was eye level with Rey, able to study her features more closely. Her lashes were long and fluttered gently against her skin. Her cheeks had a small scattering of freckles stretching from one end to the other and coming to meet at the bridge of her nose. Her lips looked soft to the touch and her brandy brown hair floated about her pillow like the halo of an angel.

 _Beautiful_ was the only thought that came to his mind.

A small, feathery creature shuffled at the top of Rey's pillow. Its wide eyes turned on him, as if it could see him and it began to chirp, loudly, in Kylo's direction. Afraid the chirping would wake Rey, Kylo stood up, intending to back away until the connection dissipated. But he was frozen in place when his eyes met hers. He steeled himself against the onslaught of fury sure to come, but he was met with only silence. Her gaze never left his. It seemed that she was observing him in the same manner that he had been observing her. If her eyes dropping to his lips was any indication. The intensity of her stare set his cheeks aflame but he hoped the darkened cabin hid his emabarrasment.

He grew even more uncomfortable as her studying continued further down his body, until her eyes landed on their intended target, his still bleeding hand.

In a startling movement she shifted her legs off the and and reached out a small hand.

"Let me see," she instructed softly, gesturing to his injured appendage.

He didn't know what possessed him to lift his hand towards hers. He wasn't even aware that he had done so until he felt the warmth of her small fingers engulf him. The last time their hands had touched, they each saw visions of a different future, but this time all he saw was her. Memories, reminders of her assaulted his mind. The forest at his base, Takodana, Snoke's throne room, Crait; all of the times he had been near her or too far away. It all came back to him. But he stood motionless, entranced by the concentrated look on her face. She closed her eyes and pressed her other hand on top of his, so that his injured hand was nestled between her two smooth palms. The stinging slowly gave way to the pool of heat that started at his fingertips and shot through the rest of his arm. Startled, he pulled his arm away and inspected his hand. He was stunned to find it completely healed. He glanced back down in awe and his heart skipped at the radiant smile she gave him.

"I've been studying how to do that, but I haven't had a chance to try it out until now."

He tried to speak but his heart had suddenly lodged itself in his throat.

"Thank you," was all he could manage but it was sincere.

"You're welcome," she returned quietly, glancing down at the hands she rested in her lap.

Kylo could feel the connection beginning to slip so he knelt down before her once more and met her mixture of curious and wary gaze.

"Rey," he started, pleased at how her name felt rolling off his tongue. "I hadn't decided to turn against Snoke until I had to watch him torture you."

Her eyes widened, surprised. "Why are you telling me this?"

"I wanted you to know that I killed Snoke because it was the only way to save you."

The last thing he saw before the connection ended was her trembling smile.


End file.
